Hi everyone. Good day. Adel’s here.
How’s life so far folks? Hope you and your loved ones are safe, healthy and sane. Things have been hard for the last couple weeks. You probably have sent out multiple “Deep condolences” to people you know, or in worst case scenario be the one receiving it. You might also struggle with finding new jobs and/or activities to fill in your days since you “suddenly” have a lot of time to spend -maybe even too much to handle #wink- I also believe most of us are frustrated about the circumstances we’re in, specifically about COVID. Like why do our existence and survival rely on the sanity and good consciences of other people? You are also probably tired living your lives with masks, alcohol rubs and social distancing. You finally realized the limitation of internet entertainments and started to reminisce and appreciate the simple things we used to do before this pandemic happened. I know. I am with you. To be completely honest, I had written one post before this. Basically, I was venting out my frustration towards COVID -second, third, fourth . . . never ending- situation. However, after I’m done, the whole blog seemed to be unnecessary . . . simply all over the place and not informative so I decided to not put it up. However, I will never get tired of reminding you all to stay vigilant and extra careful nowadays. Just remember, the virus is invisible and ruthless. No one is truly 100% safe from it, even those who are fully vaccinated. We need to do our parts and stop being selfish. We need to remind ourselves of the bigger picture, the more compassionate we are, the bigger chance we have in going back to life we once knew as normal.
Anyways, without further due, let’s jump in to the main topic for this month. I guess living alone at a small city with almost no social interaction unless it’s related to work is taking a toll on me. It’s hard to find new exciting things to look forward to or even share. At times, I feel like a hypocrite, trying to motivate you while feeling totally the opposite of what I hope I can remind you of. So instead of pushing myself to not be so negative all the time, I try to find peace in every part of my life, all good and bad starting from work. The work environment for the last month had been very challenging to say the least. From lack of staffs, sick colleague, impatient questionable patients, demanding “boss”, high amount of work to med shortage, my whole being was tested. Imagine saying “I am sorry. There are no more room nor meds we can offer to help you today. Try going to other hospital.” for 5-6 days a week while trying to stay empathetic can be quite confusing and terrifying at the same time. I was so scared when I had to do morning shift. I had a record of 42 new patients. I remembered going back home at 7.30 PM -meaning I spent more than 12 hours at the hospital in an among us white character outfit. Funnnn- But, the most excruciating part of being a doctor now is . . . being accused of misdiagnosing patient with COVID. Are you mind-blown? Yup. Me too. At first, I was so angry, furious even. I didn’t get their way of thinking and after all the drama I was drained, physically and emotionally. If it happens once in a while, I might let it slide and call it a bad day but if it happens in almost every shift, that’s just pure. . . madness. So, how do I find my peace in this case? First, I really learn to detach myself from the emotional part of the problem. As long as I know I’m doing things right and as best as I could, I shouldn’t be bothered too much by how the family members react to things. Instead of trying to justify my actions in front of people who clearly have no intention of hearing my explanation nor try to have an open discussion about things, I much rather put my energy and focus to helping others who appreciate and need it. This might sound cold for you. Hell, even I still think I’m being mean from time to time but this is probably the right time to establish a good work-life balance or else I will really lose myself in the process. Since I can’t please everyone, I just need to make sure I’m helping out the patient with my best ability. The outcome isn’t mine to decide. Second, Yoga and Pilates. Back when I was in my emo teenager phase during senior high, yoga was the solution to bring some inner peace to my conflicting mind. Somehow, all the self-loathing and being mad at the world can subside whenever I was doing Yoga and/or Pilates. Without realizing it, my temper got better and I could see the world in a slightly more positive way. So, in hopes of gaining the same result, I have been practicing Yoga and Pilates again. All I can say is so far so good. I will definitely update you guys on this matter in the near future.
Relationship and friendship wise, it has also been quite a challenge. It is lonely to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for the new friends and acquittances I have met during the last six months, but a part of my heart has always been in the people I adore, respect and love back home. By now you should have guessed it. The home I’m referring to is not a town, city nor building but the people. I should have listened to that small voice inside of me, one day before I chose my internship place. I should have lowered my ego and not let the hurting heart made a decision that’s purely based on the need to run away. To run away from the group of people who had good intentions to help me heal and move forward with life. At that time, I was stubborn so I didn’t let anyone in and continue to shatter my own soul into tiny bits and blindly put all hopes on recovery from one thing that I had no control of. The aftermath you all know and now I’m living in the reality I put myself in. Being away from my squads, my annoying sister #peace, loving mother and my dear boyfriend is hard, especially on those trying days. However, it is what it is. I could either learn from it or slowly die inside, eaten by the guilt, regret and disappointment I have towards myself. So, after reflecting for the last couple days, I have decided to start believing and heading towards the brighter direction, even with major trepidation. Living in the fear of being hurt will not make life safe or easier to live. In fact, it just made it boring and uneventful. I know by living in a more adventurous way means I am opening myself up to more rejection, failures and heart breaks but that is a part of life that I need to find or make peace with. I can’t grow more as a person if I live behind thick walls I built out of desperation. I can do better. I have to do better or else . . . I will never be content therefore I won’t ever feel peaceful.
That’s all I can say for now. I believe self-healing doesn’t happen in one day. It’s a very bumpy journey and at times, can be super hard to a point you consider quitting. It is fine to shout for help. It is okay to say you need a helping hand. People who really care and genuinely are your friends will not leave when things are hard. I hope you will find your peace soon, despite being stuck in the comfort of your own bed for quite some time.
Stay strong. Be kind and I’ll greet you soon with another update!
Love, always and forever,
Genoveva Verena Adella 🥀
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