I had known from the very beginning - way before I met him, way before we decided to talk about the possibility of meeting in person, way before we decided to connect again - Whatever it is that we would have after our eyes met at that restaurant, I would have to live it in the borrowed time, my self-made imaginary bubble that is due to pop once the premises I use to justify our kin ran out its course. Unike the previous post about him, I am not here to rant about the questionable decisions he, I, and we made. This post is written to tie out the final knot of pressing thoughts in my head. We have grown and aged to some extent, and the maturity, despite the dilemma, can be better observed without prejudice.
Like most people living in this millennial era, I know "wearing our hearts on our sleeves" is not preferable, especially with all the new dating trends, slang and culture. I can control that part of me just fine. But when it comes to him, it is different. Despite hating to admit it, he will always be different.
It all started with a sudden text on a Saturday late afternoon when I was having a farewell "party" with my close friend and mom. I even had a date that evening, one that I looked forward to. While conversing with my close friend about where to eat dinner, I heard that ringtone, one too familiar ringtone that I never remember to change. Not once, not twice, but four times. I did not know what to expect. I was trying to remember how we ended our conversation last time. I only knew he was having a holiday with his family somewhere around Singapore -which turned out to be untrue- One thing led to another, and somehow, we decided to meet on Maundy Thursday. As if the body needed the extra stress, the adventurous me had to add emotional turmoil into the mix. The conversation stopped afterwards as I required time to recalibrate, rethink, and consider if I was actually ready to go through it. On Wednesday night, the heart and mind finally agreed that this dinner would be our first and last meet-up. Whatever's left inside me -the questions, the what-ifs, the imagination and infatuation with what could have been- would all be solved once we meet.
Reality has never been that kind. I've only known a love I have to fight for, and the bruises from this one battle are hardly healed. Never have I prayed before leaving my car to walk into a restaurant for a "date" before this. I even managed to write five poems before I heard his voice. The first thought that popped into my mind was -damn, I miss his voice- We talked for hours while battling mosquito bites. It's been a while since I last had a great time talking to someone. As time passed, I could sense my defence weakening, and my heart started wavering. The sky was pitch black when the waiter kindly gave us the bill. Right when I was about to bid farewell, he invited me to a drink in the bar next door. So yea, the night became young again. We continued talking about random things 'till midnight came. Nothing good happened after midnight, but we again ignored the well-known fact and postponed the byes we should have said after sharing a glass of sangria-like cocktails.
And then it happened.
No... not that thing. But we finally addressed the elephant in the room, the topic we had brushed under the rug after it happened. There's no pleading involved, but somehow it did give me some closure. He was never dramatic, which is one quality I like about him. Can you imagine if he's like me; the security guard might think we're about to get down to something steamy when we're just standing close to one another because we're having a heart-to-heart moment (credits to the liquor courage). It was way past midnight, and he walked me to my car. Closing statements were delivered, emotions were up high, and eventually, a hug happened.
Long story short, the comfort offered by someone you had history with was very hard to resist. Indefinitely, major part of our story repeated itself – the daily banter, AM sessions, heart-to-heart conversations and … the epilogue with a heart-piercing statement of “you know I don’t owe you an explanation right” It hurt especially when it ended with yet another lie … even with me being in a conscious state-of-mind knowing that this getaway is never made to last. However, despite all that, I came out stronger with a clear mindset on how I want things to be – a happy-pandora box stacked in the small corner of my heart, resting in peace, forever a memory –
All in all, the fact is crystal clear, we are never meant to be.
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