Hi everyone. Good evening. Adel's here.
I know it's not June yet and it's a bit unusual for me to drop two posts in one month but I am feeling inspired and bored of doing my exam prep questions so I decided to rant (yet again) here on my blog. Hope you guys are still joining the ride of my self-healing journey. Oh before I forget, my exam has been confirmed to be held on August! #victorydance OK I know I ain't ready yet but at least I have some certainty in the middle of this chaotic moment so that's a good thing . . . right? Anyways, knowing this fact, I have started to plan my study schedule that hopefully I can maintain till the very end of July. I will also be flying back to Jakarta on early July so in case the government "decides" I need to be quarantined for 2 weeks, I will still be able to do my try outs and practice my skill exams, or commonly known as OSCE. Oh, an update to my baking journey as well. I have managed to make homemade ice cream using the ice cream machine my sis bought for me as a 5 month in prior birthday gift (this is a weird tradition we have that we love to keep on doing) Other than that, I have gone back to the traditional way of baking a.k.a not substituting coarse sugar with “low-calorie” sugar. Since I tried substituting stuffs, my baked goods weren’t as good as it used to and to prove that I am not a (failed) baker, I tried going back to the original recipe and voila, I am proud to say I haven’t lost the skill #selfclaimed. Well, mom and dad also loved it so it’s a good sign, always. Then, another update on my fitness journey. Your girl is doing her best despite the swollen ankle and Achilles pain she had been experiencing over the course of “work from home” period. Somehow, miraculously, I still am able to push myself to do at least a 25 minutes work out every 5 PM in the afternoon. And nope, I didn’t do it because I enjoy working out (sorry for you work out enthusiast), I simply do it to pass the time and get some “thoughts” of my mind. Squats, 50 to be exact is a very effective and efficient distraction. If you don’t believe me, try doing it yourself #wink.
OK, let’s dive in to the main topic. I have been going back and forth about writing this topic because my love life is something I rarely share to people. I know I know, it’s hard to believe when I seemed to be fine sharing them on my previous posts but if you have to know, even that, I have to go back and edit a lot of times before feeling comfortable enough to blog it. But recently, I have been watching bestdressed’s Youtube videos and a part of me was reminded on how bold I used to be. I missed being able to talk about my love life to my close friends and family members without the fear of being judge and rejected afterwards. Ashley (the owner of the Youtube account) went up front with every part of her romantic life, even the “juicy” and “taboo” parts so I guess, sharing why I think it’s important to love ourselves isn’t so bad at all. Disclaimer, this is all MY OPINION and PERSPECTIVE. By no means that I want you guys to “believe” and put it as a “standard” in your life. I only hope to inspire you guys to be more compassionate and forgiving to your own body and soul because we tend to be our biggest critics and adjudicator.
So for as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to know how it feels like to be loved by someone who is not a family member. Don’t get me wrong. I am blessed with a very loving family. My mom especially always made sure that I received as much love as I wanted. But again as I grow up I realize that the kind of feeling I want can’t be given by them. My simple wish isn’t as simple as I describe it to be. To be specific, I want to know how it feels like to be treated with respect, be an important part of another person’s life, received love and be pampered by a “specific” man I desire and am interested to. I won’t go into details on my romantic life journey, but let’s just say I have my fair share on “only seeing you without commitment” phase or as I like to say, “greyish” (calling my denial queens squad! #Imissyou!)
I have been very comfortable with doing it because being a hopeless romantic, I have been through that dreamy like almost impossible to fulfil expectation phase. I remembered wishing my “crush” at that time to stand up for me when I was bullied at school, like in K-Drama but as you predicted, he didn’t and that resulted in me being very hurt. Or there’s one time when I thought he wouldn’t ever call me “disgusting” but he did just because he was with his friends when I happened to be calling him out to practice for a dance session for his prom later on that week. Oo brother, that is one painful memory to remember. So this sad love encounter trend kept on repeating itself (four times actually. If you read my book, you can get a description on all men who had broken my heart. Head to Work tab if you are interested to but the book #shamelesspromotion) So after being tired of feeling disappointed, sad, broken and knowing that I didn’t have the energy to put myself back together after being crushed over and over again in med school, I chose to live in the greyish area. But then something happened last December and I have decided to stop being a member of that one unhealthy club.
So this man has treated me like a welcoming mat, punching sack and a life vest on a plane. Whenever he’s bored or he’s fighting with his girlfriend, he would come back and talk to me, make me feel comfortable, speak so smooth like a butter only to leave afterwards. And why do I keep on letting him do it ? Because as a woman, I am an emotional being. He was there when I first went through some major life disappointment. He also happened to be the one who helped me see the world in a better perspective. In short, he helped me to recover from a very emo stage. He also happened to be very handsome and charming . . so a lethal combination if I must say. Hehehe. But last December, I had decided that I didn’t want to be that kind of woman anymore. And with that realization, I finally started my true self-healing journey.
I wrote Half Hearted Gypsy as an opening route to find peace with all things in my past. I wrote my heart out on that book. The pain of being rejected, dejected, betrayed, dumped and anger of living with all the insecurities of not being perceived as beautiful because I didn’t fit in to some society’s meritocracy of a pretty girl was quite memorable. So only now I realized, I have projected that need of being accepted, to finding a companion in life. Like I am not really ready for a relationship, but I want to have a partner so I can show and prove people that someone can love me for me, that there’s a man who see me worthy enough to be loved, appreciated and put as a priority in his life. And this is a very misleading value to live with. I just realized that despite hating and swearing that I won’t ever change to fit in, I actually have let them shaped how I view life. Since when do I need their recognition to continue enjoying my life? Like I have been living with all the good and bad parts myself, I have put up with all the shits my emotional side had put me through and I also have put up with my own stubbornness without an ounce of their help but why do I let them decide whether I can feel content and happy about my life ? And this question resonated with me for days.
June will be the sixth month of my self discovery journey but I can tell you on how good it feels to finally gain control of your own life. Starting from January, right after I finished my clinical rotation, I cut ties and connections with people who only brought bad vibe or be a negative source of energy in my life. It was strange at first because other than being a hopeless romantic, I am also a crowd pleaser (what a combination). It’s very hard for me to say no. I felt it’s almost disrespectful to reject or say no to a request given by somebody I know, even when we’re not close. But again, I have decided that cutting people who only came looking for you when they think you might come in handy is not rude and selfish but necessary. After couple weeks, I felt a change. I could see myself feeling lighter, brighter, I didn’t have panic attacks as frequent as I used to and I could actually plan my days and weeks better. In general, I feel I can really focus on putting work on myself so I can keep on being a better version of me every single day. I who hated how I looked back then, who always wished to undergo liposuction surgery, who always thought my look was the sole big reason why men weren’t interested enough to “date” me finally find a light to live in a healthier environment. I can’t speak for everyone but I think people nowadays, still think that self-love is a “joke”. Like who would have hated themselves enough to consciously treat themselves bad? Well, hello then. I once was in that toxic group of people.
Trust me, it ain’t as easy as what you read on self-development books. It doesn’t always happen in a “natural” way like you would have expected or as dramatic as what you read on novels or watch on TV shows. It’s unique for each and every one of you cause we’re created like that, special, one in a million. One thing for sure tho, it will not be SMOOTH. Sometimes, life wants you to be stronger and to do so, it throws some challenges like for example, in my case, he came back looking for me to see how I’m doing during Corona (re: glad to report I didn’t fall to the same trap this time. I have full control of the situation and I fought through the urge of going back to the comfort of his empty promises! #yes) But even if I failed that time, which I actually did a couple times before this, I encouraged you to be compassionate and give yourself a hug and loving pat like what you’ll give to your friends when they’re experiencing the same thing. At the end of the day, we will never be perfect and we need to be okay with that. Before we accept the presence of our significant other, we need to have a strong foundation on self-acceptance. Not meaning that we should see all our actions as right but in a way of accepting all the good and bad you have. To be able to live through and/or with your mistakes with intention of working towards a better you in the following days.
In conclusion I’m here to say that it’s okay to fall sometimes and feel a bit blue or even be scared, but by any means, always choose the option that will lead you to a growth. It’s never a competition on how fast you get over things. What matters is that you reach your goal and finally feel ready to embark on a new chapter of life, being more experienced and mature.
This has been a very long post. Thank you if you have keep up and finish reading it.
Hopefully again, this can inspire you to put some work on loving yourself.
I will soon come back with a new update. In the mean time please stay at home, stay safe and stay healthy.
Love, always and forever,
Genoveva Verena Adella
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