Hi everyone. Good afternoon. Adel’s here.
It’s unusual for me to give you multiple post in one month but since I am now officially unemployed -another word about internship, I might lose it- I have nothing to do other than writing my heart out. I took some time off by travelling down to Tasikmalaya to visit one of my close friends’ hometown. I found some similarities between this town and Pontianak. The city architecture is still “old-school” but very homey. It might be really helpful if you can speak the language but the citizens there were friendly so no worries. The local cuisine was definitely worth the cardio I have to start doing from today; double cardio we go. But most importantly, the company was fantastic. I got to spend quality time with both of my girls, went hiking again after a long pause and experienced being a part of a very welcoming group of friends. I never have the chance to be a part of a group that really promotes inclusivity before meeting my girls so to be able to gain that memory with them is definitely heartwarming. Moreover, I got to play with her dog, Minnie. Minnie is a brown poodle. Since it’s a small poodle, I have no fear of playing around with her. Three and a half day passed like a snap. Learnt a thing or two about making the perfect macaroon. The only downside of this short getaway is … my calorie intake. I ate tons of fried food; in fact, might be the most I had consumed in the last a year and half. But again, it’s worth every sweat I need to produce during exercise time. You can’t buy memory and you definitely can’t turn the time back. Being in the moment was the right decision. And ow!! Earlier this month, we did a fun photoshoot. Here are some of the pics.
We had tons of laughter. It was quite easy since we asked our fellow friend to take the pictures for us. If you ever need a photographer, he will not disappoint! Hit him up on IG under the name Lucius Aristo Kane @luciusvincentius!
Ehm, what else can I tell you . . . I honestly am in a limbo state. Don’t know what happened, but I have been very emotional this lately. The memories, the what ifs resurfaced and without courtesy, demanded to be felt in its finest quality. It’s not simply about romance, but also about family, work and other bad timings and decisions. The mistakes I wished I didn’t make. However, the trigger was still “Bali” related. Right from when he told me there’s another girl, I never wanted to know her identity. I know myself too well to know what I would do once I acquired such information. I have successfully hold myself from looking out for her until that one damn day. I was so out of my mind that I spent four hours straight on Instagram, clicking posts on my explore page. At that time, I still planned on continuing my trip to Bali so I was looking for a villa around Ubud and Seminyak. I swore I was just clicking here and there, then I ended up in a private IG profile. Like all normal people do, I immediately hit the back button but then something caught my eye. There’s a username with his name on it. His name is quite unique, both first and last. And this was where I lost to my own curiosity. I clicked on the name and it led me to a personal private account. The sole follower of that account was this one miss pageant lady. It didn’t take me long to click on the link she kindly provided on her bio. Then, the rest was history. All the effort, the great progress of moving forward washed out in a second. Again, the result might be a lot different if I was on my right mentality state but that was one of those questioning moment types of day so I lost. I dwelled in to the insecurities, started to compare myself to a woman that I didn’t even know personally. All I had was her blog and name. Good thing I managed to hold myself from asking my sis to stalk her. My pride actually saved me this time. Instead of being pathetic, I chose to stop and pat myself. I wished it was that easy to go back to before I knew her existence but . . . this ain’t Wonderland and I’m certainly ain’t Alice. Even with some sleep, the “evil thought” kept on popping up and sometimes the temptation to do some childish acts was really strong. Thankfully, I got my friends to help me cope with this. It’s way harder at night because that’s the time I tend to overthink things. Having insomnia and night terrors only make it worse. So, I seek help to the only one I know would never leave me hanging, God. I am not trying to be super religious out of the sudden, but when writing and music had failed, God is the only way out. And NO! I did not ask for things to be bad between them. I prayed for my sanity and calmness. I asked for a way out, a thing to take my mind off things so I can focus all of the energy to something that’s actually beneficial for me. The following day, a job opportunity came in. This was quite shocking due to two reasons. First, the obstetrician department rarely opened up a position for a short period of time; two months. And secondly, the competition was tight and I somehow got in without much trouble. The best part of this is that it started next week on the first week of November. I can’t be more grateful. The timing can’t be more fitting and I can’t say thank you enough to HIM for not turning his back despite being let down by me for so many times. He is mighty after all. O right, some of you might be confused. So, the internship I was referring to at the beginning is the compulsory one, the job I need to take in order for me to be able to open up my practice. It’s different with the one I just told you about. Hehehe #peace
However, the overthinking actually led me to reflect. I guess this is a part from my first ever quarter life crisis. Being quarantined at home for almost 7 months, I have more time to pace down, plan and reflect on the things I’ve been doing and believe in. Inspired by yet another Instagram account that I think people should know more about @selfacre4yu, here are eight points that I find helpful!
1. Thank your mistakes! What did they teach you? What purpose did they serve in the person you want to become?
I believe each one of us by this point of life had already done our fair share on screwing up, either consciously or unconsciously. I could only recall so much of the things and events I wished I could have done differently. But if I didn’t go through it, I am sure I am not the Adel I am today and surprisingly, I love who I am now, all the good and bad. To be specific, I will give gratitude to the rational mistakes I did over the years. If you’re not new, you might already read some of it in my previous post. To give another example, it will be . . . if I didn’t break my bone, I would have never understood the pain and struggle of those who experience it. I would just simply focus on helping them without thinking about their feelings. In short, I would get caught in treating only the symptoms without considering their mental. It was hard, painful and on top of it, if you’re an overthinker, at some point you felt useless and helpless, a burden to those around you. By having a personal connection to it, I always try to remind myself to see things in a bigger picture, no matter how irrational it might be ‘cause people are unique and we will never know them all. Ehm, another simpler example would be . . . failed friendship. If I never experience being bullied and rejected, I would never even grasp the superficial concept of self-love and serendipity. I would not learn how to present myself to public, would never know how to rephrase or communicate with people in a sensitive way. I would be too self-centered. So, although the journey was quite painful and I would actually love to have a “more normal” high school life, I wouldn’t change a thing. In short, I believe that we can learn about ourselves better even from the small silly little mistakes we did. Our past alone did not define who we are today, but they surely took a part in shaping our view that influence how we live our life to reaching our fullest potential.
2. Stop beating yourself up! You’re doing the best with what you know. It’s okay to feel bad about a mistake, but set boundaries with yourself. Give more energy to who you want to become than to who you were.
3. Own your mistakes. Normalize saying “I don’t have an excuse. I’ll do better.” The more time you spend deflecting responsibility, the more pain you inflict on others and yourself.
4. Acknowledging your mistakes doesn’t mean others are allowed to weaponize then to manipulate you. Own your mistakes, but also own dignity and draw boundaries.
Thinking positive about your mistakes surely isn’t an easy quest. It is usually easier to do when we finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, but not everybody reaches that point or even if they are already there, some do not realize they have arrived so they continue on finding ways to fix the small imperfections that actually do not need fixing. I speak out of experience. At this point of life, I do not think I’m crossing the finish line just yet, but at least I’m walking towards the right direction. For you who doesn’t know me, I am an overthinker, in both good and bad ways. I have those moments when one single mistake affected my mood for the rest of the day. Sometimes it made me sleepless and restless. The limit of reflecting and self-beating is so blurry to a point it doesn’t exist. And as you can guess; it doesn’t help things at all. Instead of focusing on the things I can alter to make the work I’m on better, I focus on trying to change the past. The crowd-pleaser side of me would highlight what others think about my mistakes, on how they would never see me the same way, moreover trust me in their future endeavors. After imagining all the scary horrible scenarios, I would self-beat myself. I used up all the energy to “hate” myself instead of giving it a power hug and support to do better. Sometimes, the “big” mistake would be too terrifying to acknowledge that I ran every time it was mentioned. I acted like I didn’t know, hear or wanna know. I hid till I felt safe to run from it again. You feel it’s very toxic right? But trust me. At one point of your life, you did the same thing. I am not trying to act like I’m the wisest person on earth because I know I’m not. I am writing this post actually as a way to own all of my mistakes and encourage you to not walk on the same path for too long. Self-loathing and regrets, it’s inevitable. However, you can control the outcome it brings to you after you experience yet another episode. Instead of tearing yourself down, it’s wiser to admit it and move on. Tomorrow’s a new day, even for those with pointing fingers and judgy eyes. That “dark side” of ours could only imagine the possibilities, but it is up to the “present side” to live through it. You have a say whether you want to spend the day being sad, depressed and stress or not. You have the absolute right to control what you can control in order to have a better outcome in the future. The pain and agony can turn to a beautiful elegy that attracts and inspires people. Be the light in the room instead of blending in to one of the soulless being among the crowds. We are humans. It is in our nature to make mistakes and like the first point stated, mistakes are not always bad, if you let it show you what it actually brings :)
5. Remember, people have a lot to think about on any given day besides you. People aren’t dwelling on your mistakes as much as you think you are.
People have their own lives to live, their own words to say, their own world to create. Of course, some chose to do so by saying out loud what they think others should do but trust me, it’s just their insecurities showing up for most of the time. They actually are thinking of a way to cope with their own imaginations and fighting with all the what ifs. So, again. Focus on what you can control and learn how to filter your own thoughts. We are our own worst critic so usually all the scenarios we had prepared ourselves for are not true. However, I am not saying you need to expect an immediate “acceptance” after you did a mistake. If you do something wrong and he/she/they feel frustrated, mad and/or annoyed, you need to understand. It’s a normal reaction but usually it doesn’t lead to a very long silence treatment, as long as you show up and own up and try to not repeat the same mistake you committed the other day.
6. Don’t take what they need personally. If they need space, give it. If they need reassurance, give it. Helping others heal helps you heal too.
Giving people space is not the same as running away. People grow up in different ways so the steps needed for them to process and digest things will also differ. Sometimes, people can’t cope with things rationally and emotionally by staying around so they need to distant themselves and that’s healthy. Listening to what the body needs is not selfish. There are times when the best decisions are made after leaving the matter to cool down for some period of time. I believe you are familiar with the saying of -never make a decision while being too happy or mad- So if some quite moments are what you need, bloody damn take it. Don’t feel weird about it. Or if you are someone who needs to have all the pieces together before making a choice, communicate it. Ask. Your pride and ego can’t answer those questions for you. Ending things on hanging conclusions is one of the worst things to do because sooner or later, you’re going to be dragged back to it and all your effort of being better will go to waste and you need to start over. Why would you ensure yourself another hell if you can settle with it from the first place? Either you’re the one to ask or to answer, play your part and end things gracefully. Helping them find peace will eventually make you cope with the matter better as well.
7. Forgiving yourself is just as important as others forgiving you. The more patience and compassion you show yourself, the more compassion you’ll give towards other when they too, inevitably fuck up.
Funnily, I think I have abused myself living this point. I can only remember one woman who I can’t make peace with till today and it’s not the girl I mentioned in the beginning. It’s a high school mate who did so much harm to my teen self. But other than her, I always managed to make myself forgive. Even worse .... or better -you can be the judge. Hehehe- I almost always open up myself to them again. I give people second, third, fourth chances if they prove themselves “worthy” of it. But only in the last couple years I realized I never gave myself the same amount of compassion I offered them. Every time I slipped, I would spiral to that negativity black hole to a point it shattered my confidence, leading to tons of missed amazing opportunities. Thankfully, now I have discovered a way to handle them – to control it to a manageable state so I can come up as a better person from it. I think you should find one too, soon if you’re still dealing with the same problem as I do.
8. Lastly, ask yourself: Did you apologize? Did you take full ownership of your part in this situation? Can you accept that perfection doesn’t exist in anyone? Have you committed to showing up better in the future? If so, let it go.
Yes. I have made peace with most part in my short but meaningful life. Instead of trying to achieve perfection, I shift the end-game to appreciating beauty of imperfections that in fact shape my life more compared to the goal of the untrue supremacy.
Wow, this has been a very long post again. I hope my story can make you feel “better” about yourself. No one has their life figure out, from A to Z and even if they’re close to it, mistakes are part of the long trip that is impossible to be left out so embrace and welcome them. The harm is mostly made when you try so hard to discard them from your journey.
Stay safe, stay healthy and stay alert!
Love, always and forever
Genoveva Verena Adella 🥀
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