Re-connecting To Self

Hi everyone. Good afternoon. Adel’s here.

I know it’s odd to have more than one post in a month but I am currently trying to rebuild the connection between my body, soul and mind. In the midst of that journey, I stumbled upon a book entitled “Losing Connection” by Johann Hari. I have only read half of it but it has been very inspiring. Reading through his own vagary in finding clarity on what’s happening to him from people who are experts on the field is very intriguing in a good way. The book is divided into three sections and one of them talked about nine reasons why people are depressed. The third one is disconnecting with meaningful values. Once I read the title, I felt being punch from the inside of my own body. I realized I might have let myself grieve for too long without actually wanting to get over it in a healthy way, as If I let myself indulge in the self-pity party I throw without me realizing it. So, here I am; trying to be vulnerable and share a solution I found that might be helpful if you’re experiencing similar growing-up pain moment. During pandemic, it’s so easy to feel alone and left out. For extroverts such as I am, social gathering is a big part of maintaining my mental health. To have that freedom “taken away” for more than a year coupled with major events turning out not the way I wanted, I craved for interactions even more. Sad to say, the kind of interaction I want is not something my family can give. Like love, it comes in many forms and there is no one-fit-all solution to the matter. Experiencing this episode in my life then kinda acted as a wake-up call. It forced me to look down and dig deep to my roots; something that I am not a fan of to be completely honest. It’s easier to be there for someone while they’re doing it instead of you experiencing it yourself. Everyone has something they don’t want to acknowledge and nobody wants to open the Pandora box, especially when one is unprepared. But I guess, this phase can be positively impactful if I let myself go through it willingly. So, here are some questions that I think help me in reprioritizing my values in life.

1. What are the 10 things you are really good at?

Starting out with a real strong question. Ten. Ehm, let’s see. I’m good at showing up for my friends, being open minded, maintaining two-way conversation with people, keeping myself busy yet sort of organized, meeting deadlines, singing . . . I’m running out of ideas to be honest and I have four left. Cooking up the perfect sunny side up, bilingual, writing sometimes too much information blog post and prioritizing quality time with loved ones.

These are the things that I can think of for now. Feel free to leave comments below or slide to my DMs if you think I miss one or two. I believe those who are close to me knows the answer to this question better than I do. Moving on to the second question.

2. What are 5 physical features you love about yourself?

This is even harder. 5 Physical Features. First, I love my fave structure -yes, including the chubby cheeks- I remember feeling so insecure because of it when I was in high school. I even learnt a pose and found an angle just to make it look as slim as possible. Now I just embrace it. I feel like I’m me that way. Without them, I feel so “naked”. Second, I love my eyes. Not too big, not too small. It’s suitable to do smize. Third, I like my curves. It is not prominent now but it’s there and it makes me feel just the right amount of sexy. Fourth, I love my calves. It has put up with me despite the multiple traumas I put them through. I am so thankful for it. Last but not least, I love my fingers.

3. What are 3 of your strongest qualities?

I am an empath, ambitious and driven. Although most people say feelings are the worst enemy when it comes to work or professional schemes, I feel it helps to ground me. It reminds me that whoever I am interacting with is also human, which means he/she has his/her own stories to tell and we can always try to be the bigger person in the room. Being compassionate shouldn’t be seen as a weakness. Instead, it’s a strength that’s now a dying art.

Like Michelle Obama once said; When the go low, we go high

4. Write your ideal vision of your “dream life”

Simple answer of this will be to feel content with the life I’m living in. A more elaborate answer will be . . . finding comfort and peace in a home I build with my life partner and maybe . . a Corgi. My sis will probably smile and laugh her brains out reading this. Also, to have a small healthy bakery going on. I want to offer people who are dealing with the same problem as I am with some variety of baked goods.

5. What are 3 goals you want to accomplish before the end of the year?

Finally, something that I already had an answer for even before doing this. On my Instagram new year’s resolution post; I actually wrote it down. The main three are 1) Regular exercise session -total disclosure; March hasn’t been easy- 2) Intuitive eating -also not the easiest to do in Manado. The options are less than Jakarta- and 3) Self-love which we all know is unlikely smooth sailing.

6. Write out a gratitude list of things you are thankful for

If I go into details, it might be a 20 minutes post just for this question so let me answer this in the simplest way possible. Whenever I pray, I always start by giving thanks. I thank God for blessing me, my family and friends with another day to explore to. I am grateful for HIS protection, health, wisdom, patience and emotional maturity in dealing with things. I also thank HIM for giving me the chance to learn from yesterday and be a better version of myself with each given day. To be able to live with a supportive family and small group of close friends, I am able to be myself without the fear of being rejected. To have a safe haven to go to when things get a bit overwhelming and sometimes cruel is always humbling. There are still tons to write but . . . this will do for now.

7. Write out 10 positive affirmations!

You are enough. You are strong. You are capable of controlling your actions. You are beautiful. You are worth it. You can feel and live with your emotions. You can get through it. You can always find silver lining. You are loved and last but not least, you are special.

8. What are 5 of your best personality traits?

Again, a question I think it’s best to be answered by people around me. But if I have to say, I like how open-minded and honest I can be. Although sometimes it can be hurtful since I don’t really do much sugar-coat to my statements, I believe it’s best for them to know how I think about things truthfully. Of course, again it can’t be applied to all situations; but at least I always try to be. Then, I adore my own curiosity. If I find something that confuses me or interests me in any way, I always try to look for more information about it. I hate it when people spread news without looking into it first. Reading is cool people! What else . . . I am a good team player. I work quite well with people. I find myself happy and somehow calmer whenever I’m working in a project with people. Learning from others has always been an exciting and fun thing to do so I guess that plays a big part in it as well. Lastly, I am energetic. According to my mom, my laugh can lift up the spirit of the whole room.

9. How can you love yourself more?

Setting limits on expectations and acceptance in life.

I am an avid overthinker and emotional being. Despite believing that it’s a good think to wear my hearts on my sleeves, I won’t say it hasn’t caused me a lot of heart breaks, anger and disappointment. I have a tendency to give people a lot of chances before actually giving up on having any sort of connection with him/her/them. I put a lot of trust; At times were really questionable and baseless; In short: simply navigating life mainly on emotions and yes, I agree with the statement that just pop up in your mind now -How crazy was it for someone that young to just give in to a mere hope of people doing better in the future days- And honestly speaking I haven’t figured that out yet. I don’t know why I can be that crazy but it feels right, even until now. So what changes is how I deal with the feeling that rises up whenever I am faced with life altering events. What I learnt and still are learning till this very second is how to differentiate and prioritize my expectations; Hope is a good thing, but only to some extent. Nothing good ever comes from being too much. And I also started to put a foreseeable and “measurable” deadline. I no longer walk blindly into things that has high probability of hurting me; I build myself a lighthouse therefore when I see no changes, I know it’s time for me to go. And when that happens, I shouldn’t find people to blame. I simply just have to accept that there are people that are not meant to stay permanently in my live. There are figures that would help me discover my limits by doing the things that do not necessarily spark joy. And I should be okay with that. It takes time but eventually I should accept that hard core fact and walk forward to whatever’s waiting for me in the future.

10. Write out a perfect morning routine to stick to!

Waking up early; 5-7 AM is considered early in my dictionary; drinking that good big cup of coffee; simply catch up with life through emails, newsletter and social media -I know I know. Not really the best habit but it keeps me going so I’m going to stick with it for now- take a 10-minute shower and plan my day. I think my morning routine now is almost similar with what I want so I am happy about that.

11. Write out things you forgive yourself for!

To not make it too personal, I would say this. I forgive myself for not being “perfect”, for not being as compassionate and forgiving as what I would love myself to be, for not showing up for myself in times of need and for not loving the body that God has given to me out of illogical reasons and wrong source of validation.

12. What are 3 ways you can take actionable steps towards your dreams?

Have good time management, equip myself with more information and keep on looking out for opportunities that will help me reach my goal.

13. What do you love most about your life?

I love where I stand in life now. Despite the morbid update I posted last week; I am still in love with everything I have now. A new job in the city, close friends who are caring and supportive, family members that are adapting and understanding; a very sassy yet loyal teddy with me. I love having a Dear who knows me, who knows how to support me and when to kick my ass. I love my girls. Despite being so different, we can fill each other flaws and grow together; both personally and as a team. I love the fact that I got to experience adulting pain. Although it is super uncomfortable but . . . it’s necessary. And also, I love how I have managed to build my way back to my faith. It’s been a struggle but I think I have found my silver lining. We shall see.

14. How can you improve your mindset so you love yourself more?

I think I have answered this on number 9. So, read up!

15. Write out 15 compliments you can give yourself!

FIFTEEN? Wow, this is slowly becoming really uncomfortable. I like the way I smile to people, how I respond to people’s critics with a big heart on most days, how I acknowledge my flaws and are actively working on it. I love the fact I try to have great relationship with all of my family members. I love how I speak fluent English like it’s my first language. I like how open and yet at the same time still draw limits to people around me. I love how I embrace new adventures. I love my ability to spark joy between among my people. I love how easily satisfied I am with little things. I love how unapologetic and true I can be. I adore my ability to imagine things and keep myself entertained and lastly, I admire how I can find balance to live with my demons.

16. What are 5 things you have done that make you proud?

I graduated from med school in time. I walked out from university with amazing friendships from people I adore. I have accepted and settled with my angst from the past. I managed to publish two poem book collections and . . . I have inspired people to become their better version of themselves.

17. What bad habits and mindsets do you need to quit?

Overthinking. Duh, have you met me?

And congratulations folks! That’s the end of this long blog post.

Again, I am not trying to boast or low-key brag but sometimes it’s good to have positive affirmation about yourself. Self-love is a habit that people nowadays should be reminded of. To be truly happy starts within oneself and the first way of achieving that is knowing and accepting who you are, both physically and mentally.

Anyways, stay healthy, stay gorgeous and stay safe. Better days are upon us, I can feel it!

Love, always and forever,

Genoveva Verena Adella 🥀