Hi everyone. Good afternoon. Adel’s here.
Let’s finally begin a post with something positive. I have received the long-awaited news and am happy to report that I am officially a doctor #dance. The result came in the evening on the same day I shared my previous blog. As you guys might expect, I was super ecstatic and over to the moon when I received it. In a way, it felt like a gift, something good that happened in the middle of the crazy mess I am experiencing right now. Other than that, there’s nothing much to update. The profiling magazine is almost finished, just need a bit of final touches here and there. Exercising and healthy eating are two habits that need to get back on track soon. What else . . . I got back to yoga and swimming to help ease the mind. Ooh, and I am IKEA virgin no more. Last Saturday, I successfully drove my sister and I to IKEA, met Husky’s family and was super inspired with the room layouts. It’s true what they say, you felt like buying everything on IKEA when you’re strolling around. The meatballs were also not disappointing at all! Who would have thought that cranberry sauce and gravy could go well together? I certainly was skeptical at first but then was very impressed after trying it. The six thousand vegan ice cream was also nice although it could be a bit grainy and came across as a bit grey. Their New York Cheesecake, Apple Pie and Egg Custard were not bad too so overall, I would say the food was quite tasty and worth the hour trip. Netflix has been a great distraction when it comes to dealing with heart break aftermaths. I finished Next in Fashion and Interior Design Masters in three to four days. Tan Frances looked absolutely stunning in everything he wore. His confidence and warmth were two things I wished I could portray more in my daily life, especially now. And I didn’t want to feel lonely so I dragged my sis along with me on these series marathon of course #evillaugh And, most importantly, I went back to K Drama and I have to say, Hospital Playlist did not disappoint. 12 heartwarming episodes with unexpected twist and plots. Definitely breaking K-Drama stereotypes. I loved how they found the perfect balance between drama and “actual medical condition”. I also adore how the characters were portrayed. You could definitely relate to each and every one of them in your own way. Kudos to the script writers. I hope the good trend continues to season 2 #TeamAnhChiHong #WinterGardenrocks! If you watch it, you know. I am on board as well folks!
As for the follow up from the last post, it’s been quite hard to be honest. Today was supposed to be the day I arrived at Bali with high hopes of turning things around between me and him. I am not saying that he and I will definitely become a thing but . . . even if the same thing occurred, even if we didn’t work out, I would have reacted and felt differently because I had the chance to meet and represent myself. We could have had a proper “date” and figured things out organically like how it supposed to be. I know, I know I told you guys I wouldn’t want to spiral into the What Ifs but it’s been quite hellish, especially today and I lose the battle. So, in order to help me feel and rest better, I do the only thing I can and know how to do, writing my feelings out.
Like what Wong Fu said through one of their most relatable videos After Us, I have arrived and will be spending some time in the first phase; one of the most torturing part of a healing journey: Reminiscing and Retracting. If I have to pick a part out from this thing that I’m thankful for, it will be the fact that we never met.
Wait. What the hell is going on with this woman? Didn’t she say just now that she would love to have the chance to meet the guy? Is she on her right mind?
Well, let me clear the air out. I still feel a bit disappointed that we didn’t get the chance to meet in person. I felt by seeing each other face to face, either he and I could fill in some of the questions, and kinda answer the insecurities we have towards each other. Could it be just a feeling, a phase, a loneliness that’s mistaken as something more or was it something that’s worth exploring for? To have that chance taken away, just a week before it could have happened definitely sucks to the core. Honestly speaking, I think that’s the main reason why I couldn’t seem to let it go completely, although it has been eight days since it happened.
However, at the other side of this crappy story, I felt thankful for the fact that we didn’t get to spend time together in real life. I couldn’t imagine how destroyed I would be if things turned out the same even after we had the chance of getting to know one and another in a non-virtual way. I mean, look at me -a hot mess- and I thought I was being careful enough. If it hurts this much just because he was there for me almost all the time when I needed him to be, either via call or chat, I really didn’t want to imagine how torn I would be if we had created memories. It would certainly be stuck on my hippocampus for a very very long time; sitting down like a friendly demon reminder who would love to sneak up every now and then. Knowing who I am, I might not be able to hold my phone and scroll Instagram without checking his profile. It’s pathetic I admit. He is not even my boyfriend but oh well . . . it is what it is. My sis’ boyfriend told me to face whatever I’m feeling head on. Instead of forcing myself to suppress all the anger, disappointment, grief and loss, it would be better if I open myself to experience them. Despite hoping to not befriend Miss Klingy (alias for clingy) and Miss What Ifs for a lifetime, it might be wise to address them in order to move pass this phase quicker than before. It actually worked until I went to IKEA. It went downhill afterwards. I remembered one of our non-sense conversations. I know I shouldn’t but I did. I texted the guy on Saturday night, somehow wishing he would reply, even if it’s out of pity or sympathy or even . . . guilt. But knowing him, there’s little to no possibility of him feeling that way. And if you’re curious, no he did not reply. He did claim to have read my previous blog. He said it was a good way to release my emotions and somehow, I was triggered. I remembered feeling so mad when I read his opening statement “ … but I thought the only place you will pour your heart out, knowing who you are, is there” But deep down I was also slightly happy that at least out of these months spent talking to one and another, he did at some point, wanted to know me. Not everything was fake. Again, stupid but I just kinda lost it in between feelings that just kept on popping up on the surface, forcing itself to be felt and shown.
To be completely honest, I am not liking who I am right now. I can’t afford any me-time ‘cause I would then slip back to all the What Ifs and endless questions on why things happened this way. “Would it be different if I told him how I felt on June?” “Would it be different if I didn’t miss the Sunday phone call?” “Would it make a difference if he listened to me plead for borrowed time – a week- so at least I got to say we decided to be done instead of he left me for a reason that I never could beat at the first place?” It goes on and on and on and on . . .
But again, what’s the use of all that questions other than a reminder on how things could have been if only I, if only he, if only we . . . I refuse to cave back in to that same hole. I did it with K, I did it with C and I surely don’t want to repeat the same toxic cycle with him. I need to do myself some justice. I've hurt it more than anyone has and that's not fair.
For those who are checking up on me, thank you. I appreciate you all reaching out and making sure I’m okay but let me give you a Wong Fu inspired response.
I’m here now. There’s no avoiding it.
I don’t feel like working, at all. A part of me, the logical side of me said I’m allowed to do all the things I promised myself I’d never do; like scrolling down our old conversations just to relive the thrill or wish he’d message me just so I’d know he was thinking of me too . . but at the same time wish he wouldn’t because it would only make me miss him more. And I know I shouldn’t, but I text him. I tried to fight it but I lose. I miss the comfort, the routine . . . the feeling of having someone to go to when things get tough. I know you all try to help by saying that I can do better, that I worth all the wait and that you guys had bad feelings from the moment I told you about him. Well, thank you for saying that but honestly, I don’t want to hear any of that. It doesn’t help at all. I guess at this point, I just want him back in my life, I just miss him, the idea of him and . . . I suppose that is okay.
This too will pass. This too will get better.”
Sincerely,
Genoveva Verena Adella 🥀
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