Food-on-my-Mind Toxicity

Hi everyone. Good afternoon. Adel’s here.

November has arrived. I feel crazy for the fact that there’s only two more months in this roller coaster 2020. Like most of you, I had my year crushed by the pandemic. The only good major thing that I am thankful for is the fact that I graduate as doctor. Adding those two letters -dr- in front of my name had made me went through ups and downs of life in a very dramatic way but again, there’s no use in regretting so I’m shifting my focus somewhere else. The pandemic has forced us to have so much quality time with ourselves and/or family members. It also has sort of pushed us to slow down in this fast pace world that we used to live in. It kinda encourages us to reflect on the life we have been living this whole time, to think whether we have done everything we can to achieve the best life we can ever have. For the first few weeks to couple months, I felt blessed to be able to have this moment for myself. Since 2014, I had my priorities set. Graduating on time was definitely on top of the list. Therefore, most of the energy was spent on studying. Being someone who gets bored easily, it was definitely a struggle, especially if I had to do it for more than a year. However, like I said before. I appreciated the journey a lot. It taught me to be strong, to be more agile, adaptive and versatile. I learnt how to handle myself better, in terms of joy but most importantly in times of sorrow. I discovered a new meaning of self-love and some few tricks on not giving a fuck on every single comment people give about my actions. Fun fact, I finished my clinical rotation only around 1 month before the social distancing measurement was applied so it was fitting for me at that time. My body acted as if it had its own mind and went to resting mode. I enjoyed not having any “obligations” or urgent matters to settle. No journal reading to finish, no scientific articles to write and no exam anxiety to handle. It was heaven. Then, I got to start prepping for my board exam that as you all know by now, was postponed to August 2020. Due to that and some personal reasons, I then decided to go back to Batam to reunite with my parents. It was good …. for quite some time before I realize I got carried away.

Some of you might know that I used to be very big. Like, almost 80 kg big. I was super insecure and hated myself for quite some time. I kept on pretending in front of my parents and close friends that I’m alright, that I have accepted myself but to be honest, I really loathe how I look in the mirror. One day I woke up and this thought came across my mind -you can’t stay like this forever. it is not healthy and your ankles won’t be healing if you keep this eating pattern up. you know you are lost in this dieting world so why don’t you go to a nutritionist and actually take some actions to make yourself in a fitter condition? – At first, I scoffed it off. I even laughed to myself thinking I would never go that way. However, the thought turned to an echo and that echo became an awakening call. Long story short, I decided to start a diet supervised by a nutritionist and successfully lost 15 kg in less than a year. It was almost like a miracle for me. In early 2019, I would never think I could manage to control my satiety to a point where I found salad, a freaking Caesar Salad as a comfort food. I never imagined myself looking or even craving for that one hot bowl of spinach for lunch or dinner. Moreover, keeping that very limited diet options during my crazy clinical rotation days. Only now I realized having that hectic non-stop routines were actually crucial in keeping me from going back to my old eating habits. Because I had tons to achieve in such a short amount of time, I could suppress my sweet and non-healthy cravings like a slice of cake every three days, or a boba every week or pancakes every now and then at Pancious. Furthermore, having to spent millions for consultations and “treatments” for my body in that clinic was a good whip and reminder for me to stay focus on the goal of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I started to work out, even had a personal trainer till last March to help me get in shape. But then quarantine happened and I stopped seeing my nutritionist. After 9 months, I felt I was in a state where I understood my body better so I knew “exactly” what to do to keep it this way, or even lose some couple pounds if I need or want to. But then quarantine happened. I got nothing going on other than keeping myself entertained for the whole day, 24/7 a week. Like I said before, at first it felt super nice. At first, I was able to maintain my healthy routines, like eating 200 calories for breakfast, around 400-500 calories for lunch and dinner and exercising on 5 or 6 PM. However, my stomach started to retaliate and go on riots -you probably already read about it on my previous blogs before so I won’t say much about this- I was so fatigue to a point I didn’t have energy to do my work out. All I wanted to do was stay in bed, curled up in a fetal position while hugging my teddy bear Kazuto. The pain would last for 2 weeks and whenever I started to feel better, it began its cycle again. My mother was super worried so she kept on feeding me, saying it’s okay to eat less “clean” because my stomach wasn’t working as it supposed to. I might need to tell you that my metabolism is so bad and because of the wrong diet ways I tried before, my body has a tendency to absorb but not burn the fat as energy when needed, leading to avoid any unnecessary fat on my food list. Before I flew back to Jakarta, I weighed myself and I gained 2-3 kg. At that time, I didn’t freak out because I loved how I look. For me, that weight is already okay and I can lose it once I’m back to my usual work out sessions. And it’s somehow true. As I got back to dorm life, I lost it all. Maybe it was due to exam stress, lack of food availability on my refrigerator and/or the desire to look good for myself and partner that I had at that time. But, as soon as my exam period was over, I got into a lot of get togethers, all you can eats and I moved into my sis’ apartment. Our place is located in the middle of Central Park and Neo-Soho. Moreover, it’s so close to tons of local culinary places at Tanjung Duren. Moreover, not long after I moved, I was also broken hearted. And as I told you before, I love food too much to not eat, even during such time - or in the popular terms now, I eat my feelings out- so instead of losing weight, I gained 4 kgs in 2 months. It might be from all the birthday cakes my friends gave me during birthdays. It could also be the pizza and doughnuts, the fried Combro I suddenly had every grocery shopping on Saturday, the noodles I have been trying despite not loving them for as long as I can remember or the tons of chips I have been consuming. Unlike me on June, I freaked the hell out. The clothes suddenly felt too tight, the pants felt too small, the skirt tortured me every time I ate. I could feel the old me coming back to the surface, screwing being healthy, justifying the reckless act as one way of self-love and healing when in fact it only destroyed what I had worked hard for. Knowing that this thought wouldn’t be healthy or helpful in any way, especially during quarantine when time was a luxury, I went to see my nutritionist again yesterday. After doing some catching up sessions, we decided to restart our diet regimen. From tomorrow onwards, I will be back to the strict diet routine. I guess, like everything in life, good things take effort and consistency. I am not writing this to ask for pity, more of I want to share on what’s happening to me now and where I’m at emotionally speaking. For those who gain weight during this time, calm down. I think if you and I have been spoiling ourselves with food, after 7-8 months, we reap what we sow. So, let’s prepare our body and mind to get back to that healthy state we once know! I’ll update you guys soon with a progress, a good one I hope. Till then, stay healthy, safe and be happy!

Love, always and forever

Genoveva Verena Adella 🥀