Farewell, DBC Concert

Life surely loves throwing you a lesson through unexpected ways. Today is probably one of it. I finally figured out the key of making peace to a problem that’s been bugging me for quite a while. I guess things will never bother you on daily basis when it’s not true at all. DBC concert had been my saving grace during med school. I have never wanted to be a doctor so you could only imagine how hard it was for me to adapt and accept the fact that I had to live the life I once swore I would not. DBC Concert had given me a reason, a place to hide and a haven to run to whenever I felt lost and soon given up my sanity. I have fallen in love with it from the very first moment. I guessed, you could call it “love at first sight”. I tried resisting, but knowing my personality, I rather not torture myself. I was an audience, performer, director and steering committee. And as I’ve predicted, I loved this event with my whole heart and soul. It keeps me sane, it keeps me passionate and it keeps me going on. I held people involved in it closely, wishing they would love this tradition as much as I do. I had given my best, even when I felt my body was going against me. Being vulnerable, fighting my ego, spending holidays to memorize 10 lines, accepting the fact I wasn't good enough to play as lead, fighting over pain on my swollen ankle, ditching classes, lying to my family that I was okay, staying up late, losing quality time with my newly-made friends, revising scripts, getting scolded, shed a thousand tears to being called incompetent and mean . .

You could say I’ve given my everything so it could continue.

Then suddenly it came.

On that very day, on one of those not-so-great days, I received a shocking phone call. He started the conversation by being sorry, then continued talking about how he would explain things to me in detailed once we met in person and ended it by dropping the bomb on the very last minute.

“They canceled DBC. They claimed it irrelevant and how it created a toxic environment.”

I didn’t remember the rest of it because it was too painful. As if those sentences, those words had done nothing but pierced right through the core of my being. Go ahead and claimed me being dramatic, but that’s how it was for me. To put it in words, it felt like betrayal. It felt like losing something precious to death, to time, to things I could not fight against with.

Those statements haunted me…. until today. We were not talking about it at all. We were just discussing her failed relationships. How it was great for some time but now it lost its meaning. I kept pushing her to tell me why she ended it. Then that word came out.

“ It was toxic. I cried more than I smiled. I don’t want to be committed to something that shed me tears on regular basis.”

Right in that moment, I found the answer to the questions I’ve been asking myself. I realised the point I was not seeing before this. Just because the event served me as a comfort, a home and a safe haven, it might mean nothing or different for others involved. It could have been the source of regret, sorrow and anger. A source of stress that kept them from sleeping at night. A lost they had wished to abide.

I have finally realised that my love towards it might have given too much pressure on the committee, that they felt the need to please me, to reach a standard that I had put upon them, unfairly. My love might have turned to a dark obsession without realising it.

Just because I love it, I had accidentally forced people to love it as much as I do and for some time, they had to “lie” in front of my face to achieve my own satisfaction. That I might have taken a part in shaping people’s opinion that the event was toxic. Hence it became irrelevant with the values the organization upholds this whole time.

So today I have yet to learn another lesson.

"To love is to let it grow in its own pace. To love is to accept changes and to let go when necessary ‘cause letting go is apart of maturing up. To love is to give it a chance to blossom into something better, even when it's not the things you're expecting."

And lastly to love is never to make it an obsession, but a passion. Therefore, through this post, I would like to say thank you and bid goodbye.

You had been lovely and you will be a beautiful part of my journey to remember, always.