(Early) Quarter Life Crisis

Hi everyone. Good afternoon. Adel’s here.

Welcome to June! We have officially spent half of 2020 by being a “productive couch potato” at each of our home. Who would have thought that we could contribute to society’s betterment by doing nothing other than chill and Netflix? (One can always wish life is that simple right?) Anyways, turns out studying for board exam is not as easy as it used to or I imagine it to be. I always wonder what happened and what changed from high school to young adult Adel. It’s as if I lose the self-control skill I once used to master. But that’s for another time. Today, I’m going to talk about living the dream.

If you’re a part of my close squad, you probably know the in depth story of my life now, from feeling left out, dejected and lost during high school to hitting a realization that sometimes, despite giving your best effort on things, there are some parts of life that can’t be solved simply by “forcing” yourself through it. Short story, doctor is not my first career choice in life. In fact, I joked about choosing any other occupation than being a doctor ‘cause even from primary school, I saw the job as time and life consuming. The dramas I watched didn’t help. They exaggerated it even more to a point it’s so scary and horrifying to even imagine living that way. But, tada…. Look at where I am now. I am an “almost” licensed doctor (hopefully by October I can erase the word almost) and living the life that I once am very scared about. The first four years of preclinical life was tough. Basically, my life consisted of waking up at 6 AM, being at campus from 7 – 1 PM to study and most of the week, it could extend to 6-7 PM due to some meetings and/or campus events and going back to my lovely room to study and do assignments till 10 -11 PM. After that, if my eyes and body allowed, I could use half to an hour to entertain myself with Youtube or Instagram. How about weekends? I have never been the kind of people who “obligated” myself to go out every weekend so it’s usually just me waking up a bit late to enjoy some peaceful non-rush morning and . . . yup, you guess it folks, studying. I know I know; this might sound a bit too good to be true but as a medicine student at my university, even that “much studying” could still be considered not enough to secure a decent score. As what I said in my previous post, I am a crowd pleaser. As messy as my high school year was, I somehow miraculously still managed to maintain my academic scores well so entering campus life, I intended to do the same. . . or so I thought I could do the same. But oh boy, this field required so much more than just brain and great discipline. Needless to say, the well-known phrase of medical world is true. This job is not suitable for people who are not passionate in it at all because it’s in fact life, time, money and soul consuming.

At this point you might wonder; what is my dream?

Since I was 9 or 10, I always dreamed of opening up a café. I couldn’t point out one single thing that made it very interesting for me but I just love the idea of opening up a café. As I grow up, I fell in love with baking and cooking so then the idea grew even bigger to owning a bakery and café. In order to fulfill my childhood ambition, the original plan was to join sis at Auckland to study business and psychology at the same time (or you can just say it as double degree) but life decided to not support the idea and … here I am, being responsible for the decision I took back then (but really self, what a great challenge you had put yourself through!)

Now, the end of this life chapter is coming and it’s coming fast. I am already “late” compared to my peers, even though it’s understandable for most people because I learn how to help people feel better when they’re not in their best health condition. Rushing the studying process will be not wise because we’re dealing with lives, something that once lost, you can’t get back, no matter what you do. However, again, now that it is ending, I need to plan for my next step, for my future. My parents had briefly “touched” the topic but thankfully, they’re not pushing me to make any life altering decisions any time soon because I’m already overwhelmed with the whole COVID-19 and exam prep situation. My mental is not the best but I’ve been worse so it’s .. . . . OK. It could be the stress, boredom mixed with life uncertainties but I found myself questioning the dream I once was so sure about, which is living abroad.

For as long as I can remember, living abroad has always been the end game for me. I knew that I would not set roots at Batam, mainly because of the different perspectives and ways of approaching “diversities”. Plus, considering my pretty bad high school experiences, I couldn’t wait to get out from that one island. When it didn’t happen, I was crushed, devastated and super broken. I went to Jakarta with heavy heart and zero expectations of actually liking my life there. But then, as the time went by, I got to accept and slowly adapt to the new environment. Along the way, I learnt a thing about myself which was figuring out that I am actually a family-oriented person. During preclinical years, I missed my sis’ graduation and grandfather’s funeral. You might find it weird but, in my university, you couldn’t be absent for more than three days. There were only three reasons accepted by them if you were to not attend those classes; 1) death of core family member -that will be mom, dad and sis in my case-, 2) super sick or 3) be a delegate for formal campus events. I remembered feeling super bummed because I couldn’t be there to congratulate and celebrate one of the biggest milestones achieved by my sister (plus, they went to explore North Island so, you could imagine how I longed to be there. Hehehe) And regarding my grandpa, I grew up being close to him. We would spend the day together; he watched television while I created some crafts or paint and ate fried martabak for dinner (without mom knowing. He he he #peacemom). Whenever I saw a cut on his hands, or I heard him getting sick, there’s this stinging sensation overall my body. If I saw it happened in front of me, I would literally ache together with him. So, when he passed away, I was all over the place, emotionally speaking. And as if losing him was not enough, I couldn’t even send him away the proper way. I had to go back and prepare for my midterm. I could not afford failing any of my classes because in order to retake it, I had to wait for a whole year. And if that ever happened, I knew I wouldn’t continue. I would cave in to that desperation of quitting and transferring to another major that very hot minute. It’s tough but thankfully my parents and sister understood the whole situation and were very supportive about it.

Other than that, age is another concern. Again, I know I know, who am I to say I’m old when I haven’t even hit 25 years old yet? Let me explain. Being 24 this year, I don’t feel I have the same chances as when I was in my early 20s, especially when it comes to failing. In a way, if I moved out after graduating high school and realized I hated the whole living abroad thing, I could go back home “easier” with less guilt to start a new chapter because it’s not “too late”. But now, I don’t think I can play that “safety net” card on the table. I am not the kind of person that ever imagined starting up a whole new chapter of life in my early 30s. I mean, studying medicine has already taken 7-8 years of my life so I have to be very wise in deciding what I want to do next. Moving out takes time and lots of sacrifices, be it friendship, family and relationship. Who can guarantee that I will really love living outside on my own instead of putting up with all the ups and downs and drama of living close with my family at Indonesia, especially if I’m a family-oriented person? Do I have the strength to start over yet again in a new place with me being me and finally gain the feeling of “finding home”?

Last but not least, the main concern I have now is how if it’s no longer something I want, but just simply my childhood “obsession”? The worry of figuring it out it isn’t what I want to do too late again is scary as hell. I did it once and the what ifs and regrets were almost too much to handle. Acceptance didn’t come easy and definitely didn’t happen overnight. It took months and constant work, like any other thing in life. In conclusion, I just did not want to put myself through the five stages of grief again. I certainly do not want to spend my life doubting the decision I take that once was the only thing that could make me get up from bed and faced the day. At the end of day, I want to achieve my one true dream, which is to be happy and content with the life I am living.

Well, well, well…. this quarantine has definitely touch me in a very sentimental way. Thanks for sticking around until the end of this post. 

Please stay safe, stay healthy, stay wise and stay at home if you can. 

The pandemic will not be over with our ego of feeling invincible.

Until then, wish me luck and I’ll be back with another post soon.

Love, always and forever,

Genoveva Verena Adella🥀