An Awakening Call

Hi everyone. Good evening. Adel’s here.

I came through a very inspiring Instagram post yesterday and I would love to have more people read and reflect on it. I felt it could be an awakening short article for everyone, especially Millennials on how to handle dating in such a fast pace society nowadays. But maybe before that, I would give you guys some updates on what’s going on in my life. So, after the previous blog, your girl is still trying to find her “new normal”. Other than finalizing the profiling magazine and final packing to move to my sister’s apartment, I’m pretty much still in limbo. Tried to get back to exercising. After the whole severe stomach cramps, massive diarrhea and vomiting episodes, I haven’t been exercising until last Monday. Although it was only two weeks, my body somehow had curled back in to the i-don’t-want-to-exercise cave. Happy to report though that I have managed to pull through and currently on the phase of getting myself back to the old regimen. My thighs, my arms are basically in pain now but . . . good pain since the sore came from pushing myself to adapt back to when exercise was a part of the daily routine. And a friendly reminder. If you work out using yoga mat, make sure to wash it on a regular basis and store it in a non humid environment so it won’t be moldy. I literally spent 30-40 minutes brushing off the black spots on my mat yesterday evening. Who would have thought cleaning a yoga mat would take the same amount of time of me exercising? Thank God, the stain is now gone and all the efforts are paid off with a clean base to exercise to. Other than that, my OSCE announcement is tomorrow. I am pretty sure that my stomach can act as stress indicator. It has been cramping so hard since morning, although I drink no coffee, no milk, no chili and has been eating frequently. I also did my friend’s website. It is finished and is currently under evaluation from him. If he gives his permission, I will promote it through my Instagram story (@genoadella). The style of the website is quite different from what I usually do but I think it’s simple enough to attract buyers. Ooh, I tried modeling. Yup, you read it right guys. A woman like me -size 8-10, less than 160 cm, chubby cheeks, far from ideal weight- can actually do modelling. Let’s just say that both he and I got shocked with the results. Turns out, I can express myself not only by smiling. I have a resting-bitch-face-game-on kinda expression. Though, it was not as pleasant as I thought it would be. Changing outfits 5-6 times could be a bit tiring but overall, it’s a good experience and great memory to create with my friends before internship hits. I guess that covers what happened in the last few days so let’s get to the topic of today’s post.

I forgot from whose account I got it from, but to whoever it was, thank you. This post acted like my coffee when I read it in the morning. The title of the short article was Why Dating As A Millennial Is So Screwed Upby Andrea Wesley. It started out with this paragraph

“When we were younger, romantic relationships seemed so much simpler. If we liked someone, we told them – and if they felt the same, we got together. These days, things are endlessly more complicated and frustrating, and dating as a millennial is seriously screwed up”

Then she continued by listing nine points to her claim;

1. We ghost as a way to end things

If we’re no longer interested in someone, we don’t need to tell them – we simply stop responding. If someone did this to us in real life, it would be completely psychotic, but because it’s over text or an instant message, we’ve somehow resigned ourselves to thinking it’s OK. Newsflash: It’s totally not. Even in the golden ages, the “Dear John” letter was left on the table in the foyer, but now we’re lucky if you even get a typed string of characters saying “I’m sorry, it’s not working.”

Guilty. I admit, I have taken this easy road before, especially when it comes to difficult, personal and conflicting questions. But, like the famous saying, experience is your best teacher. After being on the other end of the story, being the one who is suddenly left with no explanation or a single “Sorry”, I promise to not do this ever again. To you who are experts in ghosting, try to put yourselves in their shoes. You can be the best jerk but please maintain some basic human courtesy. The feeling of not being enough, the endless possibilities of what could have gone wrong and the thousand awful scenarios are not pleasant at all. Moreover, if she/he is an overthinker, you just draw hell an inch closer to them for a period of time.

I think by now most of us understand that not everyone we meet will be suitable in our lives. Sometimes people go on their separate ways simply because they don’t see eye on eye on things or just because they have nothing in common that would make it possible for them to live “together” From my perspective, even the bullshit of BRB-I-get-work-to-do is better than nothing at all. We should be grateful that we have an easier access to communicate with people nowadays but why are we turning it to a curse to actually live in this era? Instead of cool, ghosting is more of a coward move.

2. We’re hyper-focused on sex

Sex is scarily available – we can have it simply with the swipe of a finger. There’s zero effort made into getting to know someone for who they truly are unless we’re willing to undress and show the most sacred parts of ourselves first. And most of the time, sex doesn’t lead to a relationship – it leads to heartache, confusion and another one-night stand with the next person.

Disclaimer: Never have sex before nor I ever plan to have sex before marriage till this very moment. I had my fair share in trying dating apps tho. If you’re not being careful, you could end up with “thirsty sharks” who have no good intention other than having a one-night stand with you. It’s good if they state it clearly before you begin talking to them, but some actually prey for women who are on their weakest state and are willing to do everything they can to secure a company to pass the lonely night.

To keep it short since I have no experience on this particular case, I do believe sex should never be forced and/or happened without the consent of both parties involved. I personally believe it is something special that is not to be made easy just to fulfill some imagination or impulsive desires. On top of everything, one should understand thoroughly the aftermath that will happen after doing it.

3. We’re in a competition of who can care the least

Showing actual emotions is heavily frowned upon. If we show our cards and act like we’re interested, it leaves the person we’re affectionate about turned off and running in the opposite direction instead of being flattered that we actually give a crap about them. There’s little gratitude for honest and happy emotions.

4. We’re too strategic about our response

Responding right away comes across as desperate and too available. It’s amazing how millennials view the luxury of having instant access to communication as something we need to treat as if we’re still using carrier pigeons. Instant messaging is just that – it’s instant- but we still withhold our response times to try and show just how busy, important and unattached we are. What backwards and bullshit logic.

This is also true and seen in real life. In fact, I am unconsciously doing it #notproud. Wearing your heart on the sleeves is stupid, reckless and almost pointless now. People do not care about your effort. What’s important is keeping the game alive and exciting. Push-and-pull is the gold standard. Once you decide to give in, you lose power over whatever it is you’re trying to control. However, shouldn’t it be equal, either in friendship, family and relationship? We’re not trying to build a business or raising a kid who in the first few years of his/her life needs some guidance and help. It’s about making connection, trying to create a bond in which caring is one of the main ingredients. How do you expect people to actually be close to one and another, to get to know them on a very personal level, to have a true and sincere kin if all you care about is the power you’re holding in the relationship? Being honest is not important. Being polite is now the new “loser” in town. No wonder people love to “date” via online platforms rather than doing it in person nowadays. There’s only so much acting you can put up with in real life, and if staying true to oneself is seen as a flaw in the world where everyone wants to be viewed as perfect, it’s horrifying.

5. We expect a perfection that doesn’t exist

Social media and thousands of dating profiles shoved in our faces leads us to believe we’re entitled a fairy tale life that doesn’t truly exist. We write people off for a minor detail and quickly look for the next best thing that we’ll somehow also find flaws in. Nothing is ever good enough for millennials. We fall to realize that relationships are a balanced bond and that with the amazing things come imperfections as well.

6. We’re overloaded with options

We don’t believe we need to settle on anything because there’s always someone better looking with a better family life, better hobbies or someone with better bank account. We move from person to person and even if we land on someone that makes us feel great and we could totally devote ourselves to in a relationship, we’re never quite willing to give up the search. The never-ending journey becomes more exhilarating than the actual prize itself.

Social media probably holds the biggest role in this case. You no longer focus on getting to know the person you’re interested with from genuine conversation. You rather know it yourself from stalking their social handles. You love to create an image rather than to actually know the people slowly. This might be the explanation on why tons of relationships failed over the statement of *inconsolable differences* Rather than fighting for what’s already there, what’s real and available, people choose to give up with hopes of finding “better” one out there with the help of dating apps. It’s more important to be presentable and attractive online. A committed relationship is considered old fashioned. Open relationship is the new gold standard, because we only live once and it’s so lame to spend it with one person before you reach certain age. Little did they know, little did I know, all of our childish decisions and acts only resulted in an immature mindset on how to appreciate effort, loyalty and self-control. Finding and building “home” is not a one stop effortless journey. It requires constant tries, thousand trials and many errors. If you don’t keep on growing, there will be no home to go back to, ever.

7. We’ve become content with being alone

While we’ve been navigating the journey to find love, we’ve consequently committed our lives to ourselves and made them into something that’s happy and rewarding without someone to love, which means it’s that much harder to invite a relationship into our lives. We’re fine on our own, so we won’t leave our comfort zones for anyone. Sometimes we even find minor and trivial reasons not to because we’re secretly happy with things just the way they are

I can relate to this point as well. One thing to note. Being comfortable with yourself is not wrong, but getting too comfortable to a point you become obsessed with it is not okay. I get the security that comes with it. If you’re not connected with anyone, you’re safe. Safe from all the lies, expectations, disappointments and the what ifs. You minimize the chance of you getting hurt, or feel sad because you get everything under control. But this is not the best life you can have. Although being with someone can mean you’re giving them a bit of control towards your mood, it’s important and worth it. In fact, you get to learn more about yourself by doing so. Of course, it’s easy to handle you when you are happy, content, stress and worry free. But human is not one dimensional being. Sadness, disappointments, anger, regrets . . those are also the things you need to get familiar with. Those are usually the part where you grow and learn a valuable lesson that will be useful in life. The more you avoid it, the worse it will feel when it eventually happens to you. Self-love is never toxic, as long as it’s not the only type of love you’re opened to.

8. We’re always stuck in a grey area *cough*

Almost relationships and no strings attached sex are the millennials versions of commitment. We’ve left constantly wondering where relationships are headed, if anywhere and plague ourselves with wondering if we’re wasting our time. No one is clear about their intentions, some lie about their intentions entirely just to have their ego’s stroked for a while, and basically no one has any clue what the f*** is going on.

I can imagine the shooting glaring eyes my close friends are giving me right now. I might have been a player to this greyish area for quite some time. In my defense, romance has never been my thing. Looking at how my sister got hurt over her past relationships scared me even more. Long distance relationship -until Feb 2020- is a deal breaker for me. I know I don’t have enough confidence within myself to not overthink about the situation that’s happening on his side. Being an overthinker for as long as I can remember, I just don’t want to add this stress to myself but . . . I like to be pampered. I like to be emotionally attached to someone. Not meaning that I throw myself to anyone who’s open, but more to having somebody close that understands me and can be a great company. Basically, like finding a boyfriend that is not your boyfriend -hence, being in the greyish area- The certainty of having someone to share my days with was enough. Throw in some hugs and I’m all for it*peace*

However, I decided to get out from this bad habit of mine. I realized as I grow up, I want some stability. I no longer want to feel the need of finding a new “partner” every 3-4 months to only repeat the same conversation again and again and again. Not gonna lie, it’s great at first, knowing that you are wanted and needed by someone out there but . . if you’re playing in this field, there’s rarely an end game to it other than getting bored and separation. The only advantage is you can predict how much it will hurt because you know it’s not permanent. Whatever you have is temporary and at some point will end. Both of you will move on and repeat the cycle with somebody else.

Being a hopeless romantic on top of everything and due to some recent changes in my life, I realize I hit a point in life where I need to put myself in a better circumstance. Instead of running from my fear of commitment by having no commitment at all, I should try to face it head on. Until when will I fear vulnerability and push people away because of it?

I felt I won a second chance with this guy that I got reconnected with during quarantine period. I was so obsessed with this pilot that I let go of anything good that came my way. Thank God, I finally woke up from my stupid delusion and now see things in a bigger picture. We’ve been talking for almost seven months and for me, that is a personal best. I usually will not continue chatting every single day, either because I know I am close to catching feelings or just simply bored and no longer wanted to try. With him, it’s different. It felt easy. It’s like finding someone who actually wants to listen, understand and yet at the same time push me to grow better as a person. Someone who is open to both small and deep talks. One that has a lot of similarities when it comes to life principles and relationship history. I don’t know where this will lead but I guess, I’ll get my answers when I get to meet him face to face. Fingers crossed.

9. We don’t feel accountable for the pain we inflict on to others

When we’ve hurt someone’s feelings, we don’t feel even the slightest bit inclined to apologize or to make good on our wrongs. It’s not our problem – it’s theirs. A person’s emotions, even if caused by something we did or said, is up to them to resolve. We feel entitled to walk around acting like complete losers with the expectation that the way it’s received is a reflection of the person we dump our stuff on and nothing to do with the fact that we were the cruel ones.

I think everyone has been here before, either as the one who hurts and/or get hurt. Again, I can’t speak for everyone but I do agree with this point. Growing and maturing up in a city where people are restlessly trying to be “cool” and relatable most of the times, I have seen tons of “trends” that didn’t go along with my way of living. One of it that bothers me the most is when they invented the slang word “baper”; short for bawa perasaan.Since people know and use this word so often on daily basis, people seem to forget the fact that every action comes with its own consequences. Whenever it gets a bit hard and/or sensitive, the word usually comes up. Not meaning to dwell in too deep about this matter, but let’s think about it logically. If you treat someone good, talks to them every freaking day about everything, shares your personal life and secrets, doing all the extra work to help them cope with their problems WITHOUT giving them any explanation or “limits” to set for quite some time, how do you expect them to just feel nothing as if they’re robots and all they need to care of is getting on with life as easy as they can ? Just because you don’t want them to feel some kind of emotion, that doesn’t mean you get to solve the problem with the well-known phrase of “Males gua. Lu baper” Most of the time, the feelings one experiencing happened and grew within the moments that you guys spent together. And if you happen to be one of the kindest, warmest and friendliest people on earth that you get into a lot of trouble with the opposite sex because of your acts, what so hard about defining it from the first place? I believe clarity is always a good first step to take. It might be awkward to bring up but it saves both parties from tons of unnecessary drama. Friends are hard to find as it is, no need to add more painful twist to it.

In conclusion, I just want to share this as a friendly reminder for people around me. I know my blog post isn’t viewed by hundreds or thousands of readers, but who claims that change need to happen and can only happen if lots of people are putting their attention to it at one time? Change happens in chains, and it can start with you. I am a firm believer that actions do speak louder than words. If we keep on trying to be fair and good, although it’s usually harder to do, things could have been easier. Many hearts could have been saved from tons of unneeded scars. Life itself is a roller coaster. It doesn’t need our help in terms of giving important messages and values along our journey here on earth. They have enough.

Thank you for everyone who has keep up with this post until now. I hope you are all safe and sound, healthy and still sane. Keep your guards up, stay at home and wash your hands! I’ll see you very very soon, hopefully with my title, officially *wink*

Love, always and forever,

Genoveva Verena Adella 🥀