Hi everyone. Good afternoon. Adel’s here.
It’s weird to type out a post in such early hour but something happened recently and let’s just say sleep is a luxury that’s a bit hard to have. Well, last week was bitter sweet but for the next few days, it will be even worse, it will feel like a terrible joke. On a brighter side, I got my OSCE result. Praise Lord Jesus Christ that I actually pass my all-over-the-place online evaluation. At least that didn’t disappoint me. CBT announcement got postponed to the latest of 15 September 2020 and I hope for nothing but good news. I moved in with my sister and I’m so grateful for that. It’s not that I couldn’t get pass this alone because I did before, but the fact that I actually have someone by my side when things happened, to tell me it’s okay to let it show, to be emotional and feeling paper thin fragile, it’s actually very soothing. For the very first time, I felt like I didn’t have to put up a show or hide my emotions under my smiles and laugh. For the very first time, I felt my sister is finally here for me . . so thank you sister :’)
I won’t go in to details. I simply feel like I need a place to rant and pour my feelings out. They say when it breaks you ache all over and I agree completely. As I said before, there are some things that you wouldn’t master, even with multiple encounters. Dealing with a heartbreak is definitely one of it. A part of me has seen this coming, a part of me keep on echoing -too good to be true- in my head. Your life is not a freaking Korean drama and you never seem to figure out what you did wrong when it comes to romance. As if you and it are polar opposite, that no matter how hard you try to understand it, they seem to just keep on pushing you away and as it goes, you question yourself even more.
Would you choose to not begin if you knew this would happen?
Non sense. Since I couldn’t turn back the time, I refused to dwell in to this what ifs spiral. I rather focus on being truthful about what happened with me now, on how to build myself up again after letting it break for yet another time for yet another “wrong” guy. If you read by poem book -which by the way is still up for sale #shamelesspromotion- you would have known there were four guys before him. You know more than him because he didn’t buy the book. I guess that’s the minimalism side of him or . . . it could be another lie I let myself believe in. But again, rather than going back to that tempting nostalgia and what ifs spiral, I would love to focus on composing myself back to one whole piece, to seeing the light in the end of this now very dark tunnel.
When we got reconnected back in February, I believe both he and I didn’t plan things to get this messy. Well, I couldn’t speak for him but at least I know that’s the case on my side. I thought that was a classic how-are-you-doing and short catch up session. I’m not sure how but we ended up talking every freaking day, about life, passion, career, family, friendship and eventually love. As it happened, I unconsciously got comfortable and started to reach out for him. Only then, I started to remember why it didn’t work the first time we started to talk. I wouldn’t lie. There were moments when I questioned myself for the actions I took on October. But, I remembered that I was in no condition to truly get to know him as I was in a very messy place myself. From being involved with a person I thought I could love out of the comfort he gave when I was feeling lonely, finding closure with my lingering past, being hospitalized for more than a week to forcing myself to get through clinical rotation without taking leave as I knew myself enough to acknowledge that I couldn’t afford to finish it without the help of my dearest colleagues. Like what I told him yesterday, I am not proud of my decision to ghost and I’m sorry.
I guess the turning point was when I finally allowed myself to talk to him via call. It’s one of those day when life decided to throw some dark twists and somehow ruined the whole mood. We talked for hours and I didn’t even realize it was almost 11 when we ended it. At first, I tried to rationalize things, saying it is only Corona loneliness and it’s just my mind tricking me to feeling things that didn’t exist in real life. That I misread things as I used to. The sentence I used the most for the first two and a half month to convince myself this was nothing was he is just being a nice friend. But eventually, as we kept on talking, I couldn’t say it was nothing for me and I started to flirt with the concept of opening myself up to the possibility of having commitment. We talked about things before, either it be serious, personal or silly. And I guessed that’s how I made it a habit of reaching out to my phone every morning to see whether there’s a chat waiting for me to reply. I can’t and will not take away the fact that you helped me got through one of the craziest times in my life. For that I really thank you but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a jerk when it comes to being honest about the most important thing that should have been addressed from the moment you decided to do it. Especially if the main reason is because she's there and I'm not. Why would you drag me when I never stood a chance from the very beginning she came in the picture ?
I thought I was being respectful about your idea of meeting people. It happened to go along with mine. I mean, it’s logical if one would want to meet in real life before deciding whether he/she wants to actually try to explore the “kin” they’re having. And I never like discussing about status via chat. It could be taken the wrong way and interpreted in a lot of version. So, if I should pick a person that I am most disappointed at, it’s actually me instead of him. I could have guarded my heart better as I know how hard it has been for me to build a loving home for myself to go back to every day. I let myself down by thinking we actually have a shot of exploring things just because he sticked around for almost 7 months every day, through thick and thin. I shouldn’t have made it a habit to text and call him every time something good and/or bad happened as he was nothing other than someone who was okay to reply at the end of the line. But this doesn’t mean that I am not disappointed and a bit angry towards him. I lived by my greyish lifestyle before. As written in my previous post, I enjoyed the whole only seeing without status phase for quite some time. It’s fun. You got pampered but you don’t have to do the obligation of being a partner. You actually have a choice to walk away whenever you feel like it’s no longer fun or beneficial for you as long as both parties are aware of the situation and all the players involved it in. And that’s where he fell short. He should have told me when there’s another girl involved in this. Again, I can’t speak for him but I didn’t believe he didn’t know where I was going to. I wouldn’t talk every day and share my personal life experiences, past and future plans to a man who I thought was just a friend. He had three actual relationships and God knows how many casual datings before me. He probably knew ‘cause I told him I had someone I called Dear, who in fact is just one of my closest buddy. You asked bunch of questions as if you’re very curious to know this person that's close to me. So, excuse me for not believing his shit. He knows where I’m going and he should have told me because If I know by then, I would have addressed it. We wouldn’t have to be stuck in the awkward conversation and circumstances we’re in right now. I could relate him being confused but sorry, that didn’t justify his act. His apologies at this point gave no consolation at all as if he's really sorry, he would have given me a fair chance. I don’t mean to guilt him to death although if he does, it will make me a tad better. I might sound mean but at least I’m honest with myself.
In conclusion, I didn’t write this to shame him and if he ever really listens and actually be “present” when we talked, either via chat or call, he should know. This is only one of the ways for me to heal, to feel better and to put a dot in our situation right now. I don’t know what the future holds so I won’t say the things I know I can regret but this one statement I do know is crucial for him. Being your friend for now is too much to handle. I have made that mistake before and it took me 7 years to actually get myself out from the toxic table I let myself sat in. So, when you and I have figure things out and ready to get back in touch again, maybe by then we can try to talk and communicate as we used to. But again, for now, I need a break and detox from you and all your kind gesture. That is is the least I can do to start putting myself back up together.
Thank you for being there when I needed you to be but even that did not erase the fact that you too have hurt me.
Cheers for better days to come,
Your favorite gypsy
Genoveva Verena Adella 🥀
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